The Breakdown – Problems

This time around, the ‘The Breakdown’ series, will be about the old poems I wrote in high school as I work on upgrading them. I have chosen to do this as a way to look at my progress and changes that I have made with my writing.

Let’s begin the series with my first piece, Problems. As is usual, here is an excerpt:

“Problems are everywhere, u cannot get away from them

But sharing them too much can become annoying to that person

They don’t make it seem that obvious because they love u so

And they don’t even tell u that u just look like a fool…”

 

As you can see, subtlety was not my strong point. Trust me, it gets worse from there and, when I wasn’t sure about the subject of this piece, there it was – right at the very end. The name of the person. This person is a family member that I used to hold dear. I did not realize how quickly I grew tired of her. It sucks to say it like that but, it’s the truth. And I might as well keep to the habit of being blunt.

The poem goes through the deeper thoughts kept to myself. I’m not sure why I started to feel the way I did at the time, but I would guess that it has something to do with…the problems…I felt forced to hear after some time. I was younger and maybe there’s a part of me that thought that my life events were more important or at least not considered. This could also mark the point where I start to wonder if I “served the right god”. Or if there was a right god in the first place. There is a lot more behind this piece than I can remember but, with my relative being so strong in her faith and me so weak in mine, I felt a level of validity was lost in both of our plights. For different reasons of course.

I tended to write a lot like this in high school and I thought I was great at this writing thing. I knew I was venting, still, some of these pieces take that to a whole new level.

Thanks – Smicky

 

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The Breakdown – Something for me

For this series, ‘The Breakdown’, I have chosen to break down my current work, poem by poem, to give a bigger insight into my thought process during writing.

The fifteenth and final poem in my book is Something for me and before I begin, here is an excerpt:

“I’ve hated myself and everything I’m not

I’ve fallen in love with who I am

I’ve seen my potential grow

I’ve witnessed my shortcomings

I’ve misunderstood myself

I’ve caused others to misunderstand me…”

 

This poem is a reflection on myself and the things I had accomplished post breakup. I was able to see myself better without the weight of keeping up appearances. It was a time I could use to fully focus on myself and not feel like I was pushing someone away. At that point, I realized that I had dreams I was neglecting and if I were to chase after them, I would need to as focused as possible. I wanted to improve myself and the things I wanted to change, I couldn’t because of the relationship. Unfortunately, the relationship did change me negatively and has added to the changes I need to make to achieve the best version of me.

In writing this piece, I acknowledge the things I saw in myself, making the first step to changing. Of course, I’m still working on this – change never really ends. But having admitted to myself the things that need change, I have gained a confidence in myself that I lost previously.

Thanks – Smicky

 

P.S.: Check out my Patron (https://www.patreon.com/Smicky_Books) and Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/SmickyBooks) pages!

The Breakdown – Bliss of Loneliness

For this series, ‘The Breakdown’, I have chosen to break down my current work, poem by poem, to give a bigger insight into my thought process during writing.

The fourteenth poem in my book is Bliss of Loneliness and before I begin, here is an excerpt:

“I always thought this drift was progress

I thought we would both set new goals

Reach for something further than here

But here you are still

Turning back and looking

While I look forward without regrets

Making changes I’ve always dreamed”

 

At this point, I started to learn and like being alone. But, for me, that also meant that all intimacies, however small, had to end. If not by the other person, then definitely by me. I saw myself, in whatever way, making changes to my life and doing the things I thought I wouldn’t be able to. I also saw how the other person seemed to stay in something they once told me they hated. Not that I expected as sudden a change as I had made – the scenarios were different. But the desire to plan for a change to be made did not happen either. I saw how just sharing the same space with that person had made me less of who I could be and how the end of that meant the beginning of my life.

There was pity for the fact that the other person didn’t try to plan their change, on the other hand, there was relief that I had been accomplishing things I never thought I would. Even the book itself was an accomplishment and the subsequent event used for part of my final grade was another. Though I didn’t want to believe it at first, though I realised they weren’t doing it on purpose, I could see where they had truly stopped me from achieving many goals I previously had. There was a lot of acceptance of where things went wrong and unfit we were for each other.

Thanks – Smicky

 

P.S.: Check out my Patron (https://www.patreon.com/Smicky_Books) and Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/SmickyBooks) pages!

Short Stories | Beyond

Angela never went further than her garden gate. She was never allowed to. The little girl could only befriend the insects and rodents that resided within the garden walls. Curious as she was, she didn’t think she needed to see anywhere else. The vast structure of her home and land made for an adventure every day. The housekeeper would always do her best to hide trinkets and candy in a place thought unthinkable to little Angela. But it was always found. It made for a difficult job; one that was worth the reward. Seeing the little girl gloat to her parents of the thing she had found that day and how she had found it, brought joy to everyone’s faces.

Seemingly all at once, little Angela became Young Angela. Though she still explored, she did less of it in the house. Angela took to exploring the garden now that she was older. The garden became a place for her to act her favourite parts from a book, to have a party for one or just daydream while enjoying nature. One day she took an interest in the outside. Her parents were always leaving the garden, then bringing back so many great wonders. However, they would never allow her to leave. She didn’t think much of it; just a hope that one day she, too, would be able to see the outside. For now, she enjoyed the stories told and read about what she could not experience.

But one day those stories stopped. Both of Angela’s parents grew ill. She was no longer young Angela but Miss Angela. For, as long as her parents stayed ill, she was in charge. She prayed for the day to come when she would be young Angela again. She had never thought of taking charge. Her persistent request would be denied, unfortunately, as soon after her parents’ illness would have the better of them. After days of weeping and the burial of her parents, Angela had made her mind. She would see the outside.

So on one fine summer’s day, Angela put on her best sun dress, packed a bag with food and headed out of the house. The housekeep begged the young lady to remain within the walls but Miss Angela made it to the garden gate without so much as consideration for their pleas. She was determined to leave. Upon opening the massive garden doors, she found that all the stories she had been told of the world beyond the walls were…false. None of the beauty and purity talked about existed and she felt betrayed. Falling to her knees in disbelief, she wept and the doors were closed to resume shielding her from the truth.

via Daily Prompt: Gate

The Breakdown – Nothing

For this series, ‘The Breakdown’, I have chosen to breakdown my current work, poem by poem, to give a bigger insight to my thought process during writing.

The thirteenth poem in my book is Nothing and before I begin, here is an excerpt:

“There’s no other way to describe

Everything that crossed my mind:

“Was I to miss you?

Should I hate that this note was sent?”

But those feelings never came

There was nothing felt”

 

This piece was written after getting a message from my past love. The had asked about my well-being and what I’ve been up to and my response was just that – a response. I wondered if I was to feel something from the message of genuine care but my lack of emotional response made me think. The realization of not caring much about the message sent and the person’s attempt at being friendly was something I half didn’t expect from myself. I know I am the type of person to seek an opportunity to return to someone. The speed with which I had moved on surprised and delighted me. But I saw that I not only moved on, I had also grown to the point of generally not needing a relationship to define my happiness. I could see my strengths and happiness coming from myself and my own efforts.

Ending a relationship was one thing, but I have come to realize the distraction I was keeping in my life thinking I was well focused. Getting rid of a distraction, focusing on the self and what is important to me was what I needed. I had to stop relying on outside forces to affect me on a personal level.

Thanks – Smicky

 

P.S.: Check out my Patron (https://www.patreon.com/Smicky_Books) and Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/SmickyBooks) pages!

Forgotten

via Daily Prompt: Tailor

He watched the seasons change twenty-eight times in this place. This is the first time seeing a season like this one. For the first time, this place had no life. His breath and the breath of the machines were all he could hear. Weddings and funerals were the only seasons that saw life. New life and new death was all that people looked best for. The occasional life changing moments brought new breath. But that didn’t happen as often as it used to. Now he watches, his head moving side to side, people passing as if this place was not there. The outside had wiped their minds of this place’s existence and those who hadn’t, didn’t live long enough to do so. This place finally lost it’s significance; just as he had lost his practice. It was time to let this place go. He did not want to.

Mr. Matthews didn’t want to let go of his life’s work. So he chose to forget about others forgetting. Alone in a new place with old memories, Mr Matthews sat forgetting. But he forgot too much and kept forgetting. He forgot until there was nothing to left to remember. He forgot until there was no one left to forget him.

 

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